I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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