why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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