nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
