Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
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