So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
