I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
