literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
