He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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