Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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