Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
