just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
