What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
