girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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