I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
