Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
