My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize