I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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