Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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