I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Michael Bay diarrhea
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
