Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
He passed out mid-signature
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize