Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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