Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
