Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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