i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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