More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
