I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
