It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
