I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
