Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Rumble strips road head = magical
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
