FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
