Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
