Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
