lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
