New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
