My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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