Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
