is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
