last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
