what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
