my phone needs a breathalizer
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
