I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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