my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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