I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
