what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
