I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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