I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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