Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
