Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
