Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
3 2 1 whiskey
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
