the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
