Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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