I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
