You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
