Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize