Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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