It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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