She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
