Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
