I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
