he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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