I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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